


Texts From Last Night

by blythechild



Series: Texts From Last Night [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Cell Phones, Crack, Developing Relationship, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Help, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Humor, Sex, Texting, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 13:23:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2193390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prentiss sends an off-colour text to Reid by accident, which sets off an unexpected chain reaction. Composed entirely in text messages and containing some dubious help from two busybody FBI agents…</p><p> </p><p>This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the charcters herein. It was created as a personal entertainment. This story contains adult situations and should not be read by those under the age of 18.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Texts From Last Night

**Author's Note:**

> This is exactly what it says on the tin: a fic comprised entirely of text messages. Inspired by several questionable entries from the Texts From Last Night website.

Prentiss: Fuck, now we have to have sex.  
Reid: What???  
Prentiss: In a bet, need to win.  
Reid: Emily, you’ve texted the wrong person.  
…  
Prentiss: Wow. So awkward. Sorry.  
Reid: It’s fine. That’s the closest thing I’ve had to a date in months.  
…  
Reid: Good luck. Or… nope, that’s awkward too.

\----

Prentiss: I did something bad last night.  
J.J.: Japanese rope bondage? Bodily fluids and peanut butter? Walk of shame past the Washington Monument again? Because tourists will have pictures of you…  
Prentiss: You are just a delight this morning.  
J.J.: :)  
Prentiss: I sexted Reid by mistake.  
J.J.: !!!  
Prentiss: I know. How do I handle it?  
J.J.: Drag him to File Storage, get down on your knees and give him the business. He’ll be speechless for weeks.  
Prentiss: … you are the worst. Why do I tell you anything?  
J.J.: Inappropriate workplace fantasy is my superpower. Do you want me to talk to him?  
Prentiss: No. You are sworn to secrecy about this, understand?  
J.J.: I’ve got your back, sister ;)  
Prentiss: K, thx. See you in 20.

J.J.: You’ll never guess what I just found out…  
Garcia: Do tell.

\----

Garcia: You busy right now?  
Reid: No. Why?  
Garcia: Can you do a coffee run? To that place that does the thingamabobs that you know I like?  
Reid: LOL. Sure. The usual?  
Garcia: Yes plz, Dr. Amazing. And one for Emily too - she really needs it.  
Reid: Why?  
Garcia: She’s upset over something that happened last night. She’s doing that thing with her fingers - you know. It’s probably nothing that overpriced caffeine won’t cure though.  
Reid: OK. Do you think she’d like anything else? Maybe something to eat?  
Garcia: Sooooo thoughtful :)  
Reid: OK. Back soon.

Garcia: Plan initiated - our boys are in the air.  
J.J.: *thumbs up*

\----

Prentiss: Wonton or Hot & Sour soup?  
Reid: What?  
Prentiss: What kinda soup do you want?  
Reid: Don’t come over. Really sick. Think my body is trying to evict my lungs.  
Prentiss: That’s why I’m bringing soup. More important question: Alien or Prometheus?  
Reid: I’m serious  
Prentiss: So am I. Consider it repayment for all of those ridiculously expensive coffees you keep bringing me. Now - Alien or Prometheus?  
Reid: Blade Runner?  
Prentiss: Agreed. See you soon.  
Reid: Door code is #4369. I’ll be on the couch patiently waiting for the grim reaper to claim me. And wonton soup.  
Prentiss: Excellent choice ;)

\----

Reid: Which Vonnegut book is your favorite?  
Prentiss: Impossible question. His oeuvre is like pizza: even bad ones are still pretty good.  
Reid: Dubious simile is dubious. And unhelpful.  
Prentiss: Why are you asking?  
Reid: Never read him and I have an afternoon to kill. So… where do I start?  
Prentiss: Mother Night is fairly awesome.  
Reid: Thanks. I’ll let you know how it goes.  
Prentiss: So, I should expect to hear from you in about 20 mins?  
Reid: Yep.

\----

Garcia: Brunch?  
Prentiss: Can’t. At DC Con with Reid.  
Garcia:… wait… WHAT?  
Prentiss: What are you confused about?  
Garcia: You and Reid are at a SUPERNATURAL CON?!?  
Prentiss: Yes. You can’t possibly convince me that this situation falls outside the limits of your imagination.  
Garcia: Well… okay, no. It’s just a showcase of two ludicrously hot men. That’s completely in your wheelhouse. But Reid?  
Prentiss: No, he’s not a fan, but he dragged me to WhoCon so this is payback. I even convinced him to dress up.  
Garcia: ???!??!??!!!!! D.E.T.A.I.L.S.  
Prentiss: He’s dressed as Castiel - it’s probably the only look he could pull off convincingly. I’m Abaddon.  
Garcia: Naturally ;) Did you two cosplay at WhoCon too?  
Prentiss: Yes. He was Number Four and I was Sarah Jane Smith.  
Garcia: This is fantastic! Yer giving me such a nerd stiffy right now.  
Prentiss: Don’t ever type out that statement again.  
Garcia: Pictures or it didn’t happen.  
Prentiss: I’ll try. Gonna be hard to separate Reid from the fangirls. Guys are thin on the ground at this event and the air is thick with pheromones.  
Garcia: I hope you’re armed otherwise you might lose yer guy.  
Prentiss: My guy? I don’t know what yer talking about.

\----

Reid: That detective from Baltimore just called for you again. The phone system keeps sending his calls through to my extension for some reason that has Garcia written all over it.  
Prentiss: What did you tell him?  
Reid: I took a message, and now I’m passing that message onto you.  
…  
Reid: What was I supposed to tell him?  
Prentiss: I dunno. Subtly suggest that I was unavailable or a lesbian or an asexual cybernetic organism.  
Reid: How do you know that he was calling with romantic intentions?  
Prentiss: You can’t see it but I’m giving you my ‘are you kidding?’ face right now…  
Reid: Regardless, I don’t understand how deflecting possible suitors from you has become my responsibility.  
Prentiss: It’s not, really. I just thought that you might have a horse in that race. My bad.  
Reid: What race? I’m suddenly confused…  
Prentiss: I thought that you might be interested in going out with me. Is that clearer?  
…  
Prentiss: Shit. Never mind.  
Reid: Are you asking me out?  
Prentiss: Well, not if you’re going to get all spooky on me, no.  
Reid: I won’t get spooky on you. Well, I’ll try not to… to the best of my ability.  
Prentiss: So, that’s a ‘yes’ to a date?  
Reid: Yes.  
Reid: Thanks for asking.  
Prentiss: You’re welcome ;)

 

Prentiss: I think that I just did another bad thing…  
J.J.: Wow. You should probably consider seeing a medical professional about that.

\----

Reid: Help  
Garcia: What is it?!?  
Reid: I think Prentiss just asked me out.  
…  
Reid: You there?  
Garcia: Sorry. Doing a gorgeously intricate victory dance at my desk. Please continue. What ya need help with?  
Reid: AM GOING ON A DATE WITH PRENTISS. HELP. ME.  
Garcia: Calm down. You’ll do fine - just be yourself.  
Reid: That’s all you’ve got? ‘Be yourself’? Personal history indicates that that is a lousy strategy.  
Garcia: It’s probably dinner, right? You do that all the time with her.  
Reid: But what if… you know?  
Garcia: No, I don’t know. Please be meticulously specific.  
Reid: I hate you right now.  
Garcia: Relax. Emily’s moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody marys. If she sticks her tongue down your throat it’s because she’s given it considerable thought ahead of time.  
Reid: I think I’m going to be sick.  
Garcia: Yer cute. What are you gonna wear?

\----

Garcia: Quick check-in. No need to respond if you two are in cosplay outfits smearing each other with whipped cream.  
Reid: Gross.  
Garcia: Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it, Lover Boy. So????  
Reid: At her apt. She’s cooking. She is singing the Swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place.  
Garcia: :) I see whipped cream in your future.

\----

J.J.: How’s it going?  
Prentiss: Just finished dinner. He helped me do the dishes. Had a hard time focusing on conversation while watching his soapy hands.  
J.J.: *applause*  
Prentiss: This is crazy. YOU are crazy for putting this into my head.  
J.J.: Technically, you started it when you sexted him…  
Prentiss: By mistake!  
J.J.: Keep telling yourself that.  
Prentiss: Have you ever just LOOKED at him? Jesus…  
J.J.: Cheekbones. And the smile. I get it.  
Prentiss: He probably tastes like German chocolate and coffee beans.  
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants. I’m in trouble here.  
J.J.: Life’s too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of lust. Go get him.

\----

Reid: Hey. Sorry about last night.  
Prentiss: ???  
Reid: I should have kissed you. I meant to. I’m an idiot.  
Prentiss: You’ll get another chance.  
…  
Reid: Hold on, I have to pull over. I think I’m having a small heart attack over that last statement.  
Prentiss: *grins*

\----

J.J.: So? How did it go?  
Prentiss: Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.  
J.J.: LOL. Coffee just came out through my nose.  
Prentiss: Classy.  
J.J.: Are you saying that you DIDN’T ride him like a bronco?  
Prentiss: He seemed a little petrified. Fear and orgasms don’t go well together.  
J.J.: Tell that to Hunter S. Thompson. What now?  
Prentiss: He texted me.  
J.J.: And?  
Prentiss: Said he’s really sorry that he didn’t kiss me.  
J.J.: That sound you’re hearing right now is your brain, heart, and reproductive system batting their collective eyelashes at him in this freaky mating dance you’re doing.  
Prentiss: I know. He’s all romance and I’m all lust.  
J.J.: Stop acting like that’s a BAD THING.  
Prentiss: But we’re really not on the same page.  
J.J.: Spence is a MAN. I guarantee that you are on the same page - you’re just a few paragraphs ahead of him. That’s all.  
Prentiss: OK. Another date then.  
J.J.: Atta girl.

\----

Prentiss: Weird question for you - could you wear something purple tonight?  
Reid: Is this for identification purposes? Have you forgotten what I look like?  
Prentiss: Hilarious. Just do it - I’ll explain it later, okay?  
Reid: Is this a fetish or a clinically diagnosable mental disorder?  
Prentiss: Yes.  
Reid: Okey dokey. Purple it is.

\----

J.J.: Did you just call me and hang up?  
Prentiss: It’s cool. Butt dialed you.  
J.J.: Details???  
Prentiss: He got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm. We’re still sorting this out.  
J.J.: OMG I’M KEEPING THIS TEXT UNTIL I DIE.

\----

J.J.: It’s 9:01 a.m. and I can’t wait any longer. Tell me about last night.  
Prentiss: *thumbs up*  
J.J.: C’mon… gimme more.  
Prentiss: I scaled him like a fire pole. A long, extremely talented fire pole.  
J.J.: So, you two are good?  
Prentiss: We’ve decided to stay on this page for a while ;)

\----

Garcia: This is your wake-up call. If you are under Prentiss, gently peel her away and get yer butt to work.  
Reid: I feel as though you’ve installed spyware into my personal life. You haven’t, have you?  
Garcia: Holy crap! I was kidding! Did you two finally do the dance with no pants???  
Reid: I’m not answering that, which I assume will be answer enough.  
Garcia: *victory dance*  
Reid: Stop that. I’m not a greyhound at a racetrack, you know…  
Garcia: Ohhh, interesting. Strenuous and exhaustive, huh?  
Reid: You’re awful.  
Garcia: In all seriousness, how do you feel about it?  
Reid: Like I’m playing a game that I can’t possibly win. Oxytocin has caused a cascading biochemical reaction in my brain and now I’m doomed.  
Garcia: Oh honey, that’s just the morning-after jitters. You’ll be fine once you’ve had some coffee.  
Reid: She’s amazing, Penelope…  
Reid: God, see? Totally doomed.  
Garcia: <3

\----

Reid: Hey. Good morning.  
Prentiss: Hi!  
Reid: I’ve been staring at my text message screen for 20 mins trying to come up with something cooler than ‘I had a great time last night’. But I can’t.  
Reid: My intellect plummeted overnight. And cool was never my strong suit.  
Prentiss: LOL. Sounds worrisome.  
Reid: What’s worrisome is that I think I’d happily become a walking vegetable for you.  
Prentiss: I had a great time too. REALLY great.  
Reid: Oh boy…  
Prentiss: So, another date?  
Reid: God, yes!

\----

Garcia: Hey. I really appreciate the lift and everything but you forgot to drop me off. I’m still in the backseat and it’s dark out here and I think I heard a weird noise from the bushes.  
Garcia: Impressive technique btw - I haven’t seen a woman reduce a man to a puddle of heated goo with one kiss like that in a long time. Still, I’m tired and I’d really like to go home.  
Garcia: Seriously. I’m drunk and freaked out. Answer your phone.  
Garcia: Emily?  
…  
Prentiss: Jesus! Sorry… lemme find my clothes…  
Garcia: Yes, I’d prefer that also.

\----

Prentiss: What are you wearing?!  
Reid: Is this a legitimate question or should I be creative?  
Prentiss: That’s the same shirt that you wore yesterday!  
Reid: No one will notice.  
Prentiss: EVERYONE will notice. Look around - they are all acting like fascinated meerkats…  
Reid: Well, maybe you should go all honey badger on them.  
Prentiss: Did you just dismiss this situation with sarcasm AND an internet meme?  
Reid: Yes. Deal with it. And deal with people’s speculative curiosity as well.  
…  
Prentiss: You’re strangely authoritative today.  
Reid: Only when it comes to this. Is it a problem?  
Prentiss: Probably not.  
Reid: Probably?  
Prentiss: 89% unlikely. Meet me in File Storage and we’ll discuss it further.

\----

Garcia: Have you seen the new signs that HR posted all over the place?  
Reid: The ones about inappropriate behavior and the new video surveillance of low security areas?  
Garcia: Yeah. I feel like they’re a precursor to me being asked to re-take the sexual harassment course again…  
Reid: What have you been doing?!?  
Garcia: Nothing, and I expect you to say that if anyone asks.  
Reid: Understood. The signs may not have anything to do with you…  
Garcia: ???  
Reid: I have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting lust.  
Garcia: Oh honey, I’m so proud of you.  
Reid: Yes, nothing spells out noteworthy achievement like forcing HR to rewrite the rules of professional proximity…  
Garcia: <3

\----

Prentiss: Still impressed by you.  
Reid: In general?  
Prentiss: *eyeroll* Last night  
Reid: I told you - I Googled how to do that.  
Prentiss: Not buying it. No one’s that good at something on the first try.  
Reid: I’m a polymath with staggering retention and a knack for speed reading. I fear that you are being deliberately naïve in an attempt at flattery.  
Reid: Thank you for that, btw.  
Prentiss: STILL not buying it.  
Reid: Well, I didn’t say how much I Googled… My browser history looks like it belongs to a high-functioning deviant.  
Prentiss: But it kinda does, doesn’t it?  
Reid: There are genuine research links there as well. And the American Psychiatric Association, Ebay, the Bureau’s remote server…  
Prentiss: All the same, better clear it before Garcia gets her hands on it.  
…  
Prentiss: Am also pretty flattered that you research stuff… for us.  
Reid: It’s a limited subject area. I assume that I’m already remarkable in other ways, otherwise there’d be no call to Google anything in the first place.  
Prentiss: LOL. Like I said: still impressed by you.  
Reid: ;)

\----

Prentiss: I have to ask a favor.  
Reid: OK  
Prentiss: Could you stop wearing that suit to work?  
Reid: Is there something wrong with it?  
Prentiss: It makes me want to pants you with my teeth every. single. time. I. see. you. in. it.  
…  
Prentiss: Hello? Please tell me that I didn’t just send that to someone else…  
Reid: I got it. I’ll retire the suit but only if you stop wearing that grey shirt you have… the one that’s cut so low in front.  
Prentiss: You find it distracting? ;)  
Reid: No, but the erections it causes are. You know how I feel about grey.  
Prentiss: Deal.  
…  
…  
Prentiss: OK, now I’m hopelessly preoccupied.  
Reid: Me too.  
Prentiss: Umm… parking garage?  
Reid: See you in 5.

\----

Prentiss: You awake?  
Reid: Yep. Surprised you are though.  
Prentiss: Yeah, considering how early Mother insists that we get up each morning, I should be sawing logs by now >:(  
Reid: Hang in there. Just a few more days.  
Prentiss: What are you doing?  
Reid: Watching Batman, mouthing along with the dialog and eating cold pizza. I may also be wearing a Bat cowl.  
Prentiss: Oh god, I love your mind. That sounds awesome. Burton or Nolan?  
Reid: Burton. I’m going through them chronologically.  
Prentiss: I want to be there so badly right now.  
Reid: That would be wonderful as well as scientifically remarkable. If you figure out how to be in two distant locations simultaneously, could you pick up some wine on the way?  
Prentiss: LOL. Having a craving, are we?  
Reid: Yes and no. Everything goes better with wine - that’s just a fact - but I always have a craving for you.  
Prentiss: Dammit. Now I’m never gonna get back to sleep…

\----

Reid: Are you around?  
Garcia: Always. What’s up, Dr. Delovely?  
Reid: I screwed up and now I’m locked in Emily’s bathroom trying not to freak out.  
Garcia: Whoa. What happened?!?  
Reid: I told her I loved her. During sex.  
Garcia: Wait… are you naked right now? Don’t answer that. Did she see you take yer phone into the bathroom, ‘cause she probably thinks that yer posting pics to Twitter or something…  
Reid: CAN YOU FOCUS PLEASE? I SAID I LOVE U & NOW I’M HAVING A GRACELESS PANIC ATTACK!  
Garcia: Sweety, you have to calm down a little. Did she say it back?  
Reid: No.  
Garcia: Okay, now I’m seeing the panic…  
Reid: She didn’t say anything. She just looked at me like a bored housecat and I fled to the bathroom and now I’m wondering if I can telecommute from here for the foreseeable future.  
Garcia: Hang tight. I’ve gotta use a lifeline for this one…  
Reid: You’re leaving me naked and emotionally vulnerable in a locked bathroom to make ANOTHER CALL???

 

Garcia: Code Red.  
J.J.: What happened?  
Garcia: Spontaneous L-bomb during coitus. Unreciprocated. Reid’s locked in a bathroom right now.  
J.J.: Shit.  
Garcia: *eyeroll* I know.  
J.J.: Okay, I’ve got this.  
Garcia: You are the can-do, Power Puff girl of my dreams. Thx! 

 

J.J.: Hey, girl. Everything all right?  
Prentiss: Yes. Why?  
J.J.: He’s been in the bathroom for a while, hasn’t he?  
Prentiss: What the hell, J.J.!!!  
J.J.: He texted Garcia. He’s freaking out.  
…  
J.J.: You’re freaking out too, aren’t you?  
…  
J.J.: Do you love him?  
Prentiss: The probability is extremely high, yes.  
J.J.: Then why didn’t you say anything?  
Prentiss: Who says that sort of thing during sex?!?  
J.J.: Oh, EVERYONE. All the time. It’s what sex is for half the time. You’re pretty rusty at this.  
Prentiss: Dammit.  
J.J.: Tell him something real - that’s all it’ll take.  
J.J.: And get him out of the bathroom before he freezes his balls off.  
J.J.: And now I have to go bleach my brain to rid it of that mental image.  
Prentiss: Thanks, J.J.  
J.J.: <3 Workplace fantasy is my game, and, boy, do I have game, sister ;)

 

Prentiss: Please come out, babe. I don’t want to spill my guts out about how fantastic you are to a locked door.

 

Reid: She wants to talk, Garcia. Gotta go. What did you do?  
Garcia: Tell you later. Go get yer girl ;)

 

Garcia: Crisis averted. Stand down.  
J.J.: *high five*  
Garcia: Your Fu is a mighty Fu.

\----

Prentiss: I’ve decided that you are the most dangerous person in my contacts list. And I have terrorist phone numbers in there…  
J.J.: :) So, did you two work it out last night?  
Prentiss: Yes. Twice.  
J.J.: Ugh, brain bleach!  
Prentiss: *evil laugh*

\----

Prentiss: Hey you. Just finished giving testimony for the day. How’s North Carolina?  
Reid: Today has been awful. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.  
Prentiss: Wow. Am simultaneously disturbed and aroused.  
Reid: Then I have achieved my goal.  
Prentiss: We spend a lot of time living somewhere between kinky and not psychologically advisable, don’t we?  
Reid: Your brain is just gorgeous sometimes, you know that?

\----

Reid: I’ve left two messages and now your phone is going directly to voicemail so I assume that you are really angry with me. I don’t think that’s fair and I’m upset that you won’t allow me to explain.  
…  
Reid: OK, maybe I’m more upset that you might JUST be angry with me to the exclusion of any other emotion. Because the idea of you NOT feeling those other things makes me very anxious.  
…  
Reid: I’m not gonna apologize, but I love you and I really need to talk to you.  
…  
…  
Prentiss: Hey.  
Reid: Finally!  
Prentiss: I’m not gonna apologize either.  
Reid: So where does that leave us?  
Prentiss: I love you too.  
Reid: You’re a tough woman to figure out.  
Prentiss: True. Too bad we can’t go to File Storage and talk this through…  
Reid: As if we ever TALKED in File Storage.  
Prentiss: Also true ;)  
Reid: Lunch then?  
Prentiss: OK. But I’m still not apologizing.  
Reid: We’ll see…

\----

Prentiss: Spence, can you pick up some detergent and dryer sheets on your way home? I spaced out and forgot to stop at the store. The laundry pile is turning into a living thing in the bedroom.  
Hotch: Prentiss, I fear that this was not intended for me…  
Prentiss: Jesus! Not again…

**Author's Note:**

> There is a follow-up story to this called [More Texts From Last Night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2232507).


End file.
